All I Want for Christmas


Actual me can usually be seen in  jeans, black t-shirts in a variety of shades of ermm  black, black vans, slightly mad hair, often grubby hands and an unkempt lady mustache. I’m usually wearing an oudoor activity type of coat and a hat as I’m always on my bike. For most of winter I look like a fat 15 year old boy with a feeble mustache and man boobs. Think  Kathy Burke in Kevin and Perry crossed with Jimmy Crankie but, with long hair.

Then there’s the me who I call other me. She keeps going on e bay and buying girly  things, she thinks she lives quite a different life to actual  me. Actual  me is at a loss as to why  on earth I have a cupboard full of dresses that I never wear and why on earth  I just bought these sparkly shoes that guess what? Yes,  I’ll probably never wear.

Other me thinks she wears dresses every day, just to swan around in like a glamorous mother fucker and that chaps should open doors for her. Other me clearly thinks she has lots of events to go to that require a dress and sparkly shoes. This is not true. Despite this, other me keeps buying things  when regular me is  off guard.

Regular me just shakes her head at other me, gets on and buys another wetsuit with the profits of secretly reselling other me’s unworn dresses on e bay. I currently have 17 dresses for sale on ebay and more in a bag ready to go.  It’s a vicious circle. I’ve no idea why I have this urge to buy girly things that I’ll never wear. Maybe I just don’t want to be one of the lads all of the time or perhaps it’s just the lure of sparkly things.  I do wear a few dresses on a rotation here and there but, the number I have tucked away you’d think I was living on the set of Madmen.

Christmas is an ideal dress and sparkly shoe kind of time but, regular me isn’t  going to any fancy, frock type of  dos or even really going  out, out. My Christmas do is better than being in a bar full of work do’s with people who secretly hate each other and  tomorrow’s regrets in full swing . Tonight, in a  cosy house, with twinkly lights and laughter, there will be a gathering of old, old friends who I love, who  I have now known for longer than I haven’t. It will start as a civilized affair, all warm hugs and catch up chatter in the kitchen, helping to get the food ready, sorting out the ice  blah, blah.  The evening  will quickly descend into us behaving exactly as we did at Uni where we all met 22 years ago, except we will all fall asleep in our chairs early,  having not quite realised that we can’t hack it anymore.

this, by 9pm

this, by 9pm

Anyway, I can wear what I want tonight, if I turned up in a batman outfit and only spoke in a batman voice nobody would care. ReguIar me has chosen to wear jeans but, I WILL WEAR MY SPARKLY SHOES BECAUSE IT’S CHRISTMAS. If only for the first ten minutes,  I’ll swan around the house like a glamorous mother fucker to please other me. I’ll close the kitchen door and make chaps open it for me, then close it again. After a short time I’ll  chuck my shoes off and borrow a big,  fat pair of mans socks for the rest of the night and get pissed  with the lads.

ps, I’ll do Batman voice  for a bit and see what happens



Buy a christmas card  version of my cover photo for charity here 


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