Mermaid seeking Aqua Man – A Dive into Online Dating

January is a long month; it’s generally rather miserable, the sparkle of Christmas becomes the inertia of deep winter , the  weather is shit, our bellies are a fat reminder that we didn’t even stick to that New year’s resolution for a week  and we are all waiting for payday. So, to brighten things up I decide to join a well-known dating site, New Year new me and all that. I joined a pay for one rather than tinder or the fish one thinking it may yield better quality bites.

In order to get my quite frankly dazzling  personality over and to compensate for my non hot looks and rotund form, I wrote what I thought was a mildly witty profile. Originally I’d joked about my spectacular beard but, my friend in work who is a proper foxy lady and a successful flirt demanded I delete that bit.  So, with great optimism despite many girlfriends telling me the online dating world is just full of pervs and weirdos , I boldly ignored them all and cracked on with liking, swiping and winking.

Here is my profile:

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My online dating profile

I published my profile and waited for my Aqua Man. I am not unrealistic expecting super fit lads to be liking me, I’m no oil painting. But,  I kid you not,  the first influx of likes were from old men who mostly looked  like potatoes.  A few potatoes sent me messages and I politely said I was looking for someone with similar interests to me who had their own teeth and didn’t look like a starchy  vegetable but, thanks for the message.  Then came the weirdos , the young  guys with Mrs Robinson ideas, come on Stu from Cardiff I’ve got boots older than you.  Finally the pervs showed up, the good old pervs . There are so many tales I could tell but,  I just chose  a few of the less rude ones to share with you .

Young Bloke from Devon:  Somewhat younger than me at 32, I have no issue with that as long as the guy doesn’t so off we went. He had  great hair, looked a happy, rather good looking and fun chap in his pictures. A surfer, he  sent me a link to the boards he has.  Promising. For a few days we exchanged messages , he was funny. I thought, this is a decent one then he starts asking me lots of questions about who I surf with . I told him about the girls that there’s a lot of us and he threw a few slightly pervy things in there. Nothing too bad. Then in the afternoon while I was at work ( if it was midnight on a Friday it would still be gross but, beers may have played a part) he decided to share his fantasy of coming surfing with me and the girls, what he’d do to everyone and how it would end, more specifically his happy ending. Lovely, blocked! 

Harald 

Wants me to have his children but no romantic relationship, a practical arrangement. I can live in a separate annex in his garden in Norway. He knows I have no kids on my profile but he asked me to reconsider, we would have a phone chat first then a chemistry date,

Randall

Errrm Randall,  either my beard is bigger than I thought or you were drunk when you joined mate, try grinder

Dave 

I think you want Bargain Booze mate 

 Mark

 

 

Tractor Boy: Tractor boy was the most normal exchange I had , polite, not pervy, chatty . Has a tractor (  A lifelong dream  of mine is to either drive a tractor in mud or ride in a tractor fast in mud) , likes the outdoors .  We messaged a bit and it was all polite and nice but, unfortunately not a glimmer of humour between us. Tractor boy was still the best of the bunch though and a nice fella.

In truth all this month has done is made me realise firstly, that my mates were right and online dating is just bonkers and second and most important ,  I actually don’t  give a shit about meeting a bloke, I just want to surf, end of. I considered meeting Tractor Boy but, my first thought was ‘ what if its pumping that day’ this tells me what I already knew. Waves before Willies ain’t it! I’m trademarking that , I can see it now, mugs, t-shirts, changing robes,  ‘ waves before willies’  

“What I love the most about surfing is that it’s my first love. It’s the first thing I can remember being consumed by.”
Stephanie Gilmore

I was talking about this very thing with some of the girls at the weekend and it’s not just me who feels like this. I’m not prepared to put time aside to add anything new to my life right now that’s going to pull me away from surfing or stop me taking a last minute trip for a wave  or ditching a Saturday morning plan because the wind dropped.  I understand it might sound ridiculous to some but, it’s what I already knew before I tried my month of online dating.  In the words of the late, great Jack  O’Neill, “The three most important things in life: surf, surf, surf.”

I have an incredible crew of women to surf with and a fantastic group of friends near by.  I  have realised what I really want is just some bloke mates. All my bloke mates are back in my old landlocked home 200 miles away as is the BFF, Long Legs.  A few years back I did find a local  bloke mate, we’ll call him Our Kid but, now he has a bird and we all know what happens to the girl mate yep I’ve been ditched wahhhhh. I miss having  bloke mates.

If anyone would like to apply for the job of my bloke mate there is a vacancy

Applicants will receive:  unwavering loyalty,  smothering love ( you are a replacement child/puppy) you will receive a nickname, you’ll get extra fuss and attention if you are sick,  you will be well fed. You will always have someone to do stuff with, answer your questions, give you an opinion and go on unplanned adventures with.  You will be cheered up if you are sad and I’ll check in on you regularly to make sure you’re not dead. I asked Long Legs and Our Kid  for their take on what the job of ‘my bloke mate’ involves and they both laughed at me and declined to comment. I don’t know why, apparently something along the lines of I’m a pain in the ass , I’ve no idea what they are talking about, I’m fabulous. Happy Valentines Day xx

If like me you are actively avoiding meeting a bloke for a romance because you can’t be arsed,  read my post How to Be Single, a Mermaids Tail here

 

How to be Single, A Mermaid’s Tale

It’s St Valentine’s Day on Sunday, as if you didn’t know.  I’m single so I don’t  generally  partake in this day.  Although, if somebody felt the need  to buy me presents that’s fine, I’ll partake in accepting them.

However, there is a film being released this weekend called How To Be Single, so perhaps there is something to partake in  . The film follows the lives of a group of single folk in New York,

somewhere between the teasing texts and one-night 
stands, what they have in common is the need to learn  how to be single in a world filled with ever-evolving definitions of love

I  wonder if it will buck the trend and conclude that these New York singles can be happy as they are  or if the writers will have them all paired off by the end.   Although, why they had to make a film called How To Be Single  when they could have just asked me I don’t know.

I’m exceptionally skilled at being single and quite happy with my status. I’m so comfortably single I don’t even look for potential matches.  In fact,  I do ridiculous things that would have most chaps slowly backing away on tip toe. I’m so oblivious to romance that  I never even consider anyone I meet for a  potential  tryst. I know you are impressed by how fantastic I am at being single . ‘How does she do it?’,  I hear you ask in admiration.

HOW TO BE SINGLE ACCORDING TO SURFABELLA

Have mostly blokes as mates and always go on holiday, to parties and to the pub with  bloke mates.

Unless you are away surfing don’t go out except to work, the gym or food shopping.  Socialise at friend’s houses and if you do go out, don’t talk to anyone other than who you are with. Make sure that if you have lots of dresses and lady like shoes that make you feel all girly do not wear them. Basically, dress like a 15 year old boy, with boobs. Read more about this here.

rsz_1474553_10153507048310316_528338097_nIf you are approached by a potential mate make sure you actually call him ‘mate’ ten times in the first minute of conversation. In the company of such a man point out all the girls you think he might fancy, make sure all of them are super-hot and make you look like widow twanky. In addition,  regularly point out all of your flaws repeatedly and with particular attention to your beard, moustache, giant arse and personality defects.

Completely ignore any indication of flirtation from a man.  If you think there is flirtation panic, call him mate again  and retreat  to your bloke mates immediately.

Spend hours  setting up a profile on a dating site, browse the wares but, don’t pay the joining fee and never log into your account again, ever.

Finally and crucially, Surf. If your first thought at the idea of a boyfriend or girlfriend  is that they could  interfere with your surf plans or stop you taking off for the weekend and that date expenses will deplete your surf trip fund then carry on doing all of the above, stick a picture of  Ryan Gosling on your surfboard and continue to be a  mermaid.

See, being single is so easy,  they really should have consulted me on this film.

 In a world filled with ever evolving definitions of love, celebrate what you love . It doesn’t have to be a partner, other half, husband or wife or even a human  to be valid . Here’s to loving  your mates , your dog, surfing, adventure, fun, drinking rum, the smell of neoprene, campfires, running,  mountains, clear night skies, music, waves, singing,  laughing,  having the bed all to yourself and never having to hold a fart in.