How to be Single, A Mermaid’s Tale

It’s St Valentine’s Day on Sunday, as if you didn’t know.  I’m single so I don’t  generally  partake in this day.  Although, if somebody felt the need  to buy me presents that’s fine, I’ll partake in accepting them.

However, there is a film being released this weekend called How To Be Single, so perhaps there is something to partake in  . The film follows the lives of a group of single folk in New York,

somewhere between the teasing texts and one-night 
stands, what they have in common is the need to learn  how to be single in a world filled with ever-evolving definitions of love

I  wonder if it will buck the trend and conclude that these New York singles can be happy as they are  or if the writers will have them all paired off by the end.   Although, why they had to make a film called How To Be Single  when they could have just asked me I don’t know.

I’m exceptionally skilled at being single and quite happy with my status. I’m so comfortably single I don’t even look for potential matches.  In fact,  I do ridiculous things that would have most chaps slowly backing away on tip toe. I’m so oblivious to romance that  I never even consider anyone I meet for a  potential  tryst. I know you are impressed by how fantastic I am at being single . ‘How does she do it?’,  I hear you ask in admiration.


Have mostly blokes as mates and always go on holiday, to parties and to the pub with  bloke mates.

Unless you are away surfing don’t go out except to work, the gym or food shopping.  Socialise at friend’s houses and if you do go out, don’t talk to anyone other than who you are with. Make sure that if you have lots of dresses and lady like shoes that make you feel all girly do not wear them. Basically, dress like a 15 year old boy, with boobs. Read more about this here.

rsz_1474553_10153507048310316_528338097_nIf you are approached by a potential mate make sure you actually call him ‘mate’ ten times in the first minute of conversation. In the company of such a man point out all the girls you think he might fancy, make sure all of them are super-hot and make you look like widow twanky. In addition,  regularly point out all of your flaws repeatedly and with particular attention to your beard, moustache, giant arse and personality defects.

Completely ignore any indication of flirtation from a man.  If you think there is flirtation panic, call him mate again  and retreat  to your bloke mates immediately.

Spend hours  setting up a profile on a dating site, browse the wares but, don’t pay the joining fee and never log into your account again, ever.

Finally and crucially, Surf. If your first thought at the idea of a boyfriend or girlfriend  is that they could  interfere with your surf plans or stop you taking off for the weekend and that date expenses will deplete your surf trip fund then carry on doing all of the above, stick a picture of  Ryan Gosling on your surfboard and continue to be a  mermaid.

See, being single is so easy,  they really should have consulted me on this film.

 In a world filled with ever evolving definitions of love, celebrate what you love . It doesn’t have to be a partner, other half, husband or wife or even a human  to be valid . Here’s to loving  your mates , your dog, surfing, adventure, fun, drinking rum, the smell of neoprene, campfires, running,  mountains, clear night skies, music, waves, singing,  laughing,  having the bed all to yourself and never having to hold a fart in.

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